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Updated: Aug 15, 2020

Jacques Panini

DISCLAIMER: Finding gaps between moral failings in the Greek system to post articles is an arduous task. I'm just here for the food. Bon Apetit.

The past few weeks have been rough. After the CEO of Goya foods came out in support of Trump, I had to throw away a month’s supply of lima beans and pigeon peas, the only food I can afford now that sororities no longer qualify as essential businesses.

Luckily a friend let me know that the Dunkin’ near my house throws all their donuts away at midnight. I had to wrestle a couple furloughed sig nu kitchen servers to stake my claim. Through sheer ingenuity, I outmaneuvered them by throwing my last can of Goya beans into the dumpster as bate and shutting the covers, trapping them inside.

Don’t worry. I went to check on them the next morning and didn’t hear anything when I knocked on the dumpster doors so they must’ve found their way out. On an unrelated note, I saw in the news that two frat men died after attempting to cannibalize each other that very same night. Sad.

All of this homeless frat boy talk got me thinking about Chi Omega and their ridiculously beautiful home #swoon. I had a wonderful time visiting it before quarantine and wanted to wait until the right moment to post this article, but I suppose this moment will also do, eek.

THE FOOD: High Tier

When I saw that paninis were on the menu, I thought they were pandering. That would’ve counted against them if they weren’t so *darn good (For licensing purposes I’m not allowed to swear more than one fucking time per article, so I’m trying not to be too frivolous with the four-letter words). I’d highly recommend going on Panini day.

THE AMBIANCE: Highest of High Tiers Glory Glory Hallelujah

The Chi-O house is the true Shangri-La. When the sisters saw how impressed I was, they joked that I could pay rent and move in. Little do they know that I’ve been living rent-free in their storage shed for the past six years. In all honesty, everything in the house was immaculate. I would’ve slurped jello shots off of those floors. Their couches were deliciously comfy, perfect for a post-meal nap. I’m enamored. Fall rushees, if you thought their off campus accommodations were nice, just wait until you see the actual house!


On my way out I saw a phi-delt crying near the hedges. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that one of the sisters savagely beat him after he forgot to mention that she looked cute in her most recent thirst trap. What a useless chunk of carbon! He should consider himself lucky that he’s still employed!

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