The Virgin Thom Tillis vs. The Chad Cal Cunningham

By Alley Steele

Voters of North Carolina, take a moment to think. What kind of a person do you want representing our state? In this article, I will break down the most defining characteristics of our senatorial candidates, Thom Tillis and Cal Cunningham, and explain to you why you should never put a virgin in a position of power.

Thom Tillis is OLD. He’s 60. He probably needs Viagra to get it up, leading to a lot of frustration and woman-hating. Do we really want our taxpayer dollars going towards this man’s dick pills?! I say no. Plus, he’s never been involved in a sex scandal (like any good politican should be), so who’s to say he’s EVER actually engaged in coitus?

Cal Cunningham, on the other hand, is one crazy little boy. The handsome 47-year-old was recently caught with sticky fingers, texting a woman who was NOT his wife. The steamy texts made it very clear that Cal was super horny and would not need taxpayers to fund his Viagra prescription -- he kisses. A lot. You know what kissing leads to? Better bipartisan negotiation strategies, that’s what.

Now, just to make it clear to you all, someone CAN have had sex and fall under the “virgin” archetype. Thom Tills does have two children, which in my opinion, is kind of lame. Cal “The Chad” Cunningham, does not have any kids (that he knows of, naughty boy), leaving his weekends open to do awesome stuff like starch his shirts and look sexy for multiple women.

I leave you with this, readers. I want a senator who kisses. I’m proud to cast my vote for the hot and fun candidate, Cal “The Chad” Cunningham. Let’s leave virgins like Thom Tillis in 2020. 

With the power vested in us, The Tar Pit OFFICIALLY endorses Cal Cunningham for Senate. We know you’ve been waiting.