Dear Gary #1

By Edward Cho

Dear Gary,

I’ve been talking to this girl for a while, and for the life of me I can’t get a read on her. We’re friends, but I want more. One second she’s showing interest and the next she’s not. I really like her, and I constantly think about her. How can I stop this obsessive behavior?

Best,

Rafael

Dear Rafael,

First of all, take a deep breath and relax. You are in a good situation. Be glad that you are interested in this girl, because it means you are not a homosexual.

In order to stop obsessing over this girl, you need to have more confidence in yourself. Think about all your good traits. For one, you don’t insert your penis into men, which for most girls is more than enough. Secondly, I will take a leap of faith and assume you don’t insert your penis into barn animals or livestock. Another bonus point to you, my friend.

As you can see, you deserve to have more confidence in yourself. All your mental energy is directed towards this girl. Direct it towards yourself instead.

You should treat yourself right, physically and mentally. Are you working out, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep? If not, then you are not receiving compassion from the person who matters most.

Once you get the basics in order, it’s time to nourish your mind. Read the Bible and study theology. But don’t take any religion classes here at Homo Hill—they teach you Jesus was a tree-hugging queer.

Lastly, find a hobby or cause to spend your time in. Personally, I volunteer at a local soup kitchen to save people in need of salvation. I serve the soup extra hot as a reminder of what hell tastes like.

Doing these things will help direct your energy from the girl back to you. Furthermore, by improving yourself and becoming less needy, she might actually stop stringing you along. This reminds me of an old saying, “Build a beautiful garden, and the butterflies will come.”

But remember not to idealize this butterfly. She is just a woman after all. Make sure she’s got all the basics down. Can she cook? Clean? Are her hips wide enough to sustain the burden of childbirth? More importantly, what’s her maturity level at? She better not talk back or reveal her ankles.

If you follow my advice, then this girl might be more welcoming to your advances. Try not to touch her before marriage or else you and your next five generations will be condemned to hell.

Love,

Gary