College Girl Prays for Democrats to Keep their Traps Shut about School Reopenings

Rising junior River Anderson is extremely excited to return to campus this fall, but worries that Democratic politicians will stand against university reopenings, as members of her party are pushing for additional distancing to slow the spread of Covid-19. “So far I haven’t seen Bernie or AOC tweet anything against it, but if they did I’d be super sad,” Anderson said. She added that “if they said it was bad I would protest the reopenings too, it wouldn’t be a good look to go against them and I can’t be associated with the MAGA people complaining about haircuts.”

Anderson prides herself on her involvement in activism at the University. As a member of an environmental coalition, T-Shirt Chair for Feminist Club and a member of Alpha Beta Sorority, which, according to her “does hella philanthropy Instagram bingo cards,” Anderson prides herself on fighting for the wellbeing of her community. However, she has some reservations about additional time away from campus to curb the spread of Covid-19.

“I get that people are getting sick, which is super bad, I just hate missing out on my college experience. I’ve been quarantining for the past few months so I feel like I’ve earned the right to see my friends and spend my Thursday nights at MAW with my people,” Anderson said. She “hope(s) that people know (she is) not selfish,” and said “It’s just that if I have to suffer any more of this quarantine bullshit I’m going to self-immolate on Franklin Street.”