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  • Writer's pictureMaia Guterbock

Carolina Blue Balls: a guide to campus crushes, relationships and good sex

“You up?” Oops, wrong chat. But you’re in the right place. I should introduce myself. Âllo, je m’appelle Madame Appetite. Consider this column and me, The Tar Pit’s official sexpert and love guru, as the ultimate gateway into your interest’s heart (and underwear). This column is a safe space for all sexual and gender identities to discuss the hanky panky, rumpy bumpy, and all things surrounding modern love. You, my dear reader, have just joined the apex of column readership; you are my Tar Hoes. Enjoying sex is no honor code violation here. So c’mon and get in bed with me...let’s get started!

Today’s topic is something we can’t get off our minds (or out of the house for): Quarantine Hookups. Have you revirginized while social distancing? Are you desperate for the companionship of another? Is your mom home? Don’t worry, there are many solutions to this dilemma.

Up first we have ol’ reliable: Porn. No one can get the job done like YOU can, so why not switch to incognito mode and sauce the taco. Have fun with it and maybe try something new! I heard tentacle porn is tantalizing. Hey, no judgment here.

On to another helping hand (pun intended): Toys. It’s 2020. If you still don’t own a sex toy, then where have you been??? There’s discreet packaging, multiple functions, and boy oh boy can they spice things up. Let me tell you, anal beads that go 12 inches up your asshole is an entirely new sensation than sticking a man’s penis back there. Also, they’re reliable! Orgasm every time, without having to trust someone else to do the job. And lastly, toys can fill the void of “real” sex. Let’s face it, the contactless world we’re in right now is pretty dark. Fake it till you make it and get a toy today!

Next up we have a fan favorite: Tinder. Don’t be embarrassed. I once swiped right on a man with a second dick and hooked up with a completely normal woman. You never know who you’ll come across! Dating apps are the modern courtship and you might just meet the freak-in-the-sheets you’ve been searching for.

From here, my Tarhoes, we can explore a world of unlimited possibilities. You’ve swiped right, you’ve made the connection, you’ve had the virtual date… but have you had virtual sex? Oh, yes. It’s a thing. And more importantly, it’s safe. FaceTime can become your personal OnlyFans account. Sending sexy vids to your partner is risky. I know my dad has stumbled upon something stored in the family Icloud account one too many times. Avoid that conversation by having some virtual sexy time with your significant other.

“But Madame Appetite, I need REAL human contact!! This JUST won’t do!!” I hear you. In that case, you just have to be safe and make sure you ask the important questions.

1. "Have you been tested?" Obviously not for STDs, you simp! For COVID!! Um hello, we’re in a pandemic.

2. "Do you have protection?" Forget the condoms and dental dams... Where is their face covering? Their PPE suit?

Now I know what you’re thinking… "Madame Appetite, how can that be sexy?" This is just ignorant. Everyone knows that sexy lies in the nuances. Check out the tasteful side boob on this babe. HOT.

And don’t even get me started on the noise. Can you imagine? Get used to your new sexy time playlist… plastic crumpling. Gets me going every time.

Alors…Until next time, bonne chance!

Bisou bisou,

Madame Appetite

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