BREAKING: Being Line Leader in Elementary School Linked to Sex Addiction Later in Life

By Jack Morningstar

We’re all familiar with THAT prick in 2nd grade who zealously raced to the classroom door to be the first in line before lunch and recess. Little did we know then, however, that this behavior was the precipice for a life of sexual deviancy.

North Carolina State researchers studied a cohort of second graders in 2007 and followed up with them until March of 2020 when their funding was cut due to the pandemic.

Their findings were astonishing. Nearly 90% [confidence interval 95% {CI}] of students who identified themselves as “frequent line leader” or “nearly always line leader” reported frequent bouts of nymphomania and a statistically significant increase in pleasure derived from sadistic rituals when compared to the general population.

“Everyone knew that those kids that would elbow you to get to the front of the line were assholes,” said a researcher working on the study. “However, it was sobering—and dare I say a little bit gratifying—to learn that those douchebags have since developed into a bunch of sex monsters.”

The method of action is still unclear, although it comes as no surprise to learn that those kids, that were all too eager to have a dozen or so classmates line up to ride their ass, have become the next generation of sex criminals.

“I used to be a line leader,” said one subject in the study. “Freshman year of college I dropped out to join a sex cult in Phuket Thailand, and now I’m their head of development.”

In future research, the study’s head researcher hopes to explore the fascinating correlation between being the caboose in elementary school and an increased likelihood of chronic tapeworm.